Prequal:
The men in your house are not a reflection of every man outside
The men in your family were raised differently than the men in some other folks family. Your man, your son, your father are not the reflection held by every other man in the world. The same way that we cannot allow stereotypes about men, especially Black men to be adopted across the board, is the same way that we cannot blindly apply the celebratory characteristics of model individuals to those that do not deserve those accolades.
HARD STOP
Keeping this in mind, recognize that your reality and truth are not identical reflections or experiences shared by every other woman out there. People are not perfect, and they can cause harm. Your unique experience with a person is exclusive and distinct from someone else’s encounter with that same individual.
Because of how we are raised, Black Women are naturally programmed to protect Black Men. There are no hashtags, campaigns or T-Shirts branded with the slogan “Protect Black Men”, because from birth to adolescence to adulthood- we are programmed to do so.
We are afraid because of the fate of Emmett Till; we remember the stories of Malcolm, Medgar and Martin like it happened yesterday; and we all know a little black boy that was taken too soon due to the prison pipeline or worse. So, we will throw our words, our resources and many times our own bodies and well-being on the line to protect black men- even at the cost of our own demise.
SECOND HARD STOP.
However, when it comes to Black Women, it is neither reciprocal nor expected for us to do the same for ourselves; nor for Black Men to do a fraction of what would do for them.
This is a systematic form of trauma that Black People have faced that dates back to public rapes in Slave Castles. From the dawns of colonialism, patriarchy and misogyny a nuanced divide was placed between Black Men and Black Women where protection immediately became one sided. Men were forced to watch the dehumanization of their mothers, wives and daughters without being able to lift a finger to protect them because doing so was a death sentence.
But as the saying goes- where there is racism, there’s often misogyny. And where there is misogyny there’s often rape.
Rape is not about sex- it’s about power. It always has been and always will be. A man climbing on top of a woman in her sleep, while incapacitated or unconscious- is about power. Men who prey on younger women is also a control tactic. It’s also a repulsive urge that they have to “conquer” or be their first sexual experience. Wanting to take advantage of someone at their weakest and most vulnerable point is the exact- is not only disgusting; it’s also a way to control the power dynamic.
THIRD HARD STOP
Let’s be clear about one thing, the men the employ these tactics of manipulation are not in a state of being undesired by other women. In fact, most of these men with power HAVE several suitors, or fans their age that would gladly date them. However, these types of monsters do NOT want the women who throw themselves at them. They don’t want the women who are willingly interested in them. Nor do they want the women who would happily consent to group sex with their friends or fulfill erotic fantasies. Those women don’t fulfill the allure of the violence and harm that they wish to cause in order to feel like they’ve conquered something. I spoke to a groomer once and he told me that most guys into this sort of thing want to see if they can get away with it. A lot of the time it’s about the rush of it all.
I know what you’re thinking- L, why are you talking to groomers? Well, this person is a groomer rather he cares to admit it or not. You’ve probably talked to a groomer, a rapist or a pedophile as well. We live in such an accepting rape culture society that most of these guys don’t even hide the fact that they are sexual deviants. Sometimes, it’s not even what they say about themselves, but instead, what they say about other people where they were complicit or an inactive participant.
But one thing is for sure, rather they are loud or silent- they are very present today, yesterday and forever. Rapist are not fucking Santa Clause- they are real. So, it's time that we all stop acting like they don’t exist.
LAST HARD STOP. Now, for my journal…
Many of you can’t fathom your favorite pop star being a rapist because you haven’t dealt with the reality of the rapist in your own household.
take that. take that!
By the grace of God, my family was filled with men who protected me. My father was normal, my uncles, my cousins and grandparents- all normal. Not only were these men normal- they were very protective of the women in my family. With that in mind, I do know for some women and girls- they have not been as blessed as me. Therefore, holidays can be triggering. I could not imagine going to Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner and having to be in the same room as a rapist or anyone that has caused you physical, psychological or emotional harm. Like hey "‘Lester, can you please pass the peas?" WTF.
For some reason in Black families, Black churches and in the Black community at large, there’s this savior complex where we not only harbor these men- we protect them. We are convinced that there is the magic force MK-Ultra-controlling the minds of Black Men and forcing their penis’ to go where they don’t belong. Further, we are convinced that all of this is due to some big scheme to prohibit the advancement of the brothers. And we believe that even if this “brotha” has done nothing to help anyone else but himself.
We also ignored the fact that the endless list of men who ARE ACTUALLY doing the work to uplift the community and not their own pockets never find themselves in these situations where multiple women have shared the stories of horror where they are the villain. We also conveniently ignore the many instances where men from other races have no problem intervening when a rape is occurring right infront of them. We’ve ignored the science behind the fact that women actually have more nerve endings in their vaginas than men do in their penises.
Further, we have bought into this false narrative that when you hold Black Men accountable, you are in-fact “bringing them down”. This dumb ass analogy is often used as a defense mechanism for Black Men that surprisingly aren’t doing anything remotely revolutionary to help the Black community. Many times their fame and fortune have come at the detriment of our community.
In all honesty, the brothers who ARE ACTUALLY out there doing masterful work to advance our communities and other communities of color somehow NEVER get brought up in these so-called “agenda whores wars” that are claimed to plague the Black community.
Let’s dig in deeper- in the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s, has America used falsehoods to dismantle communities of color- absolutely- COINTELPRO was a real thing. Countless revolutionaries, freedom fighters and activists were victims of these tactics. That’s not to say these tactics don’t still exist- it’s just that it’s not often employed in the same way. Further, a hip hop mogul who pretty much sells sex drugs and money to black kids is probably working the agenda- not a victim of it.
Every famous person isn’t for the culture. So, by not calling out their bad behavior, it allows them to further harm the Black community. It creates a vicious cycle. By “protecting” and not calling out these monsters, we are in-fact harming black men down, because we then elevate their ability to hurt more people and cause more harm to the community. Not only that, but for the good Black Men that are positive role models, consent culture forward and who are actually doing the work in our communities to make them safer, healthier and wealthier- what message are we sending them by treating them the same way that we treat the monsters?
So this year, let’s set the tone for differentiation- these rapists, pedos and lesters got to go! Do not invite that fool to dinner, rescind his invitation, and tell him to GTFOH! Merry Fucking Christmas, Bitch!!!
So, how do we have a difficult conversation? Let’s have an example..theoretically:
Let’s say that I was sexually assaulted when I was 17 (or 18).
As a teenager, I didn’t drink or party, and I was an athlete- so I was a tomboy. Between my school activities and coursework- all I did was study and go home. According to the rape prevention classes they taught girls in middle school and high school, the “risk factors” for being sexually assaulted should have been LOW. I grew up in a middle class black neighborhood and my mom worked hard to raise me and my sister by herself. She had a great job working for the State and was super involved with my schooling. (She was at Columbia High so much that some students thought she was a teacher. Lol.)
Our small town athletic club became a bit of a communal space for the kids and parents on the team. If you know how high school athletics work, it’s not uncommon for parents to caravan to games together; meet up on the weekend for booster fundraisers and look out for each other's kids- if someone has to work or can’t make a trip. My mom wanted to help another mother out who had been struggling with addiction and getting her life back on track. So, as a social worker, she and a few other basketball parents offered to help look after her son from his freshman summer/sophmore to junior years.
He stayed over frequently- often rotating time between my house, my neighbors next door (who were on the football team) and another basketball player that lived across town. He had his own room,- and even made friends in our neighborhood, which was safer and a lot better than the hood he was living in. Some days I wouldn’t see him just because my schedule was insane- band, basketball, student council and homework. Other times, we’d hang with friends- video games, movies, and boring walks around the neighborhood.
One night as I was asleep in my bed- I felt someone’s hands in my shorts that were not my own. I woke up and looked over to the left and he was on the floor sleeping. A girlfriend of mine (platonic) had slept over as well and she was asleep beside me on the bed. It wasn’t her, it wasn’t him- maybe was I imagining things?
We were all watching movies before falling asleep, my mom was home, the door was open; I thought to myself- I must really buggin. Plus, this dude is like my brother- he wouldn’t dare do anything like that- so the witch must be riding my bed tonight, again! I covered myself back up, turned over and went back to sleep. I was still a 17 year old virgin who had never had boys that weren’t related to me or that I had known since childhood- so, needless to say, I was super unsuspecting and didn’t have the slightest clue of anything that could’ve happened.
Years later, this article was released- mother fucker.
Now at 40, looking back with adult eyes, I can see all the red flags. How could someone that my family extended kindness to do something like that to me? How could no one else see it? And what do I do next? Well, I have my art and I have my voice.
But that’s not enough, I also have a car and he has a mom! Damn right! He terrorized my family, so, oh yes, I went to visit her the last time that I was in Columbia to tell her about her fucking son.
(I do not advise this btw- this could've gone all sorts of wrong.) As I pulled up to the front yard, I wasn’t sure of what would happen. But believe it or not, me telling her that her son was a piece of shit rapist wasn’t news to her. (To be fair, by now he had already been convicted, served his time and has been out of prison for some years now.)
At first she tried to slut shame the young lady in Australia- but I held him (and her) accountable and told her that as an adult the stuff your son was doing was weird. Why was he sneaking around on people’s floor while they slept? And also, this is just the ONE time he got caught. I had kindly reminded her about the girl at Virginia Tech and HELLO- ME, bitch!
When she realized that I wasn’t going to let her gaslight me, she decided to drop that act. Then shit got real. She apologized for raising him the way she did, which was basically not raising him at all. And she apologized for allowing him to come to our home. She did everything but admit to the fact that she probably didn’t fully let on to ALL of the things happening in her home at the time - so, my mom would’ve been completely unprepared to deal with whatever the hell her children had going on in their household. My mom knew there was a drug situation and apparently something with a gun and dudes in his neighborhood. So the plan was simple- keep him away from the crowd until after graduation.
Well, apparently, there was more because his mom also told me that her daughter at the time was being molested by her then boyfriend. (The poor girl would later pass away after years of drug addiction. RIP) She also admitted that she had no idea what her son was into for those several years that she herself was on drugs. She admitted to “leaving him with people”. And she didn’t know what he was doing OR what was being done to him. She just wanted to get high.
She also kept saying “it was me”, “it was me”, “I’m so sorry, it was me”. So, I’m not sure if she felt guilty for raising a rapist or if she had done something harmful to him back in the day, herself. Creeping into someone’s room and touching them in their sleep sounds super pervy- so who knows where he got this behavior from. I spent most of my time listening- but basically- shit was fucked!
After she finished her trip down memory lane, she asked me “what do I want and what do I need”. And after losing one child already, I couldn’t look that woman in the eyes and say “I want your son to die”. So I said what any rational human being would say in this situation “I don’t know?”
I think it’s perfectly rational for parents to make things right for their kids' errors - but in all honesty, there’s nothing that SHE could give me. Before I spoke to her, I did confront him. After I’d pieced everything together and figured out what he had done, I told him via text that we needed to meet. When didn’t respond (this is a dude that has contacted me on every single birthday since we were kids, btw) I knew that HE knew I had figured out what happened. I texted him what I wanted to say and after I saw the "read" receipt, I blocked him.
I wanted my voice back. I wanted my power back. And I wanted him to know that I had stepped in that grey area where he’s been lurking and I’ve turned the fucking lights on. And he needs to know that if we are ever in the same place again- he will never have the power to hide in plain sight, again. (And this explains why I have seen that mother fucker since 2020- he’s been dodging like a little bitch.) I still don’t understand why this happened to me. And I still don’t know why someone that I called my “godbrother” would harm me when I had done nothing to him - nor would I ever.
She and I talked about that as well. She said that he told her he got a text from me and I said “we couldn’t be friends anymore”. (That’s not what the fuck I said, btw.) She also said he had tears in his eyes - she originally thought they were tears of sadness. I told her they were probably guilt tears. She agreed.
Most survivors want healing at the least and justice at the most. I think that talking to her helped with both, but it still is not restorative. In full transparency, I hate systems of oppression and I don’t trust our justice system . Non-reformative forms of rehabilitation, such as just sitting in a prison cell for legalized slavery is not the proper punishment for a rapist. A pool stick shoved up his rectum for each time he’s caused harm…and him paying annual contributions to survivors in the States of South Carolina, Virginia and the city of Sydney- in my opinion, that’s more viable. And if he has to sit in a cell after that- there should be some type of reformation practices, curriculum and tactical teachings. And while South Carolina has no statute of limitations on sexual assault- I told her that I don’t have any intention on pressing charges.
His mom, who was crying by this point, asked if she facilitated a conversation with me and him, would I like that. I told her FUCK NO! (I didn’t say “fuck no”, but my face did. I did tell her that if I saw her son again, I’d likely punch him in the face at the very least- but also, ma’am… what part of I don’t want to see or talk to this nigga again are you missing?)
We chatted a bit more, tho and at some point, this kinda turned into therapy for her. She shared a story about an old man in her neighborhood that used to try to get her to sit on his lap all the time. Oddly enough, I had to comfort her a bit as well when she shared these stories and the stories about her daughter. There was a lot of crying and hugging, yall- a lot.
But >> FAST FORWARD >> to get to the moral of this story it’s just a fact that some niggas ain’t raised right.
“Normal niggas do normal things”. And abnormal niggas don’t.
The fact that all of my exes in SC (from high school and college) were normal and never violated or harmed me, then to have this ONE nigga who I would never date or touch with a 10 foot pole violate me is mind boggling. Two things can be true at once. There can be some amazingly loving, vibrant, healthy, NORMAL Black Men out there AND there can be an abnormal one. The point is, it’s important for the Black community to treat each as such. Calling out this Rapist doesn’t belittle or vilify the character of the respectable young brothers that I did date and who understood consent and who were NORMAL.
I’m not saying you have to be 50 Cent, but also, there are so many ways to hold folks accountable. I couldn’t protect myself because I don’t think like a pervert. In all my years of dating women- I’ve never thought in my head to make a girl do something she didn’t want to do. I’ve never forced, touched or penetrated someone who was unconscious, sleeping or non-responsive. I’ve never even considered “getting a girl (or boy) drunk” so s/he would want to do something with me. For whatever reason this is not the same for abnormal boys and men like Rapists. They do weird shit. It starts early on and the sooner you can call it out, you can protect potential victims, which is better for everyone.
Sisters if you don’t leave with anything else from this post, remember that calling out niggas with bad behavior has nothing to do with bringing Black Men down. You can't bring someone down who has stooped as low as sexual assault.
So why now? I know how much you all love to ask that question. For most of us Thanksgiving and Christmas time are the most wonderful times of the year. I absolutely love Christmas- I’m wearing my elf shoes as I type this! However for some people, holidays can be triggering. Also, coming home to a city where you were sexually assaulted can be triggering. Reading stories about women AND men who’ve experienced physical trauma can be triggering. The triggers be triggering.
I think about what happened often, but I only talk about (with my partner and my therapist) when I feel like I need to get it out, most. Everyday it gets better. I don’t talk about it on social media and I don’t talk about it with anyone outside of my family, because I don’t feel safe enough to do so. I'm talking about it here (theoretically) just incase someone out there reading this has ever experienced something similar.
Some days are good, some days are bad- but you get up everyday and fuck shit up with your greatness. You survived! So, everytime you walk out that door and serve your purpose- you are putting a stilletto (or timberland) through that persons' soul- and regaining everything they tried to take from you. I had to allow myself to feel everything- the anger, the hurt, the rage and hopefully at some point the forgiveness. But let that shit out- don't want to do anything stupid.
Remember, you are not alone- and fuck that mother fucker that hurt you.
For the rest of you, just remember that just because YOU are just now hearing someone’s truth for the first does NOT mean it all of a sudden came out of nowhere. Therefore, if someone finally feel safe enough to speak up, grant them the space to do so. And if you can't relate- do everyone else a favor and STFU!
NEXT STEPS?
Stop letting the rapey nigga come around during the holidays (or anytime) like it's normal. And stop making excuses for bad behavior. It's a reckoning, ho ho ho!
Have Consenting Conversations. The same way men understand consent when it comes to their back door, it should be just as candid when it comes to a woman’s anything. Here are a few great conversation starters.
Learn the actual facts.
Watch I May Destroy You and have a conversation after.
Dissect these song lyrics and discuss why they are problematic.
Also, dispel the myth that #MeToo ended rape culture- like only 5 niggas went to jail after - y'all mad cause someone tweeted about you and NOTHING else happened. Y'all are fine.
Banjee Boombox Toolkit
Allow these women (and men) the space to tell their story and live their truth because for some of us, after everything has been stripped away that’s all we have.
Stop comparing yourselves to white people when it comes to accountability- yes we know that white men rape (this isn’t new)and for many years, it was not even considered a crime. What should be discussed is that in the same way that we are able to separate the bad men from other races with good men from other races- we should be able to do the same in the Black Community.
So, for this holiday season, as a gift to yourself and Black Women, everywhere, let’s continue to lift up the brothers that have protected us, have understood consent and have respected us throughout the years by finally casting out those that have not.
Unfortunately, this message is for the sisters because Black Women must protect Black Women. Other women will not save you, and neither will black men.
Dear Strong Black Woman, your super power is also your Achilles heel. This wisdom is my gift to you.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Love,
FAY <3
PS Go see The Color Purple later this month. And let's hold this classic in a corrective lens by giving Alice Walker all her flowers.
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